so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
