i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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