he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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