he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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