He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
