matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
