Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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