Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Sorry my hands just texted you
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
