you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
