I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
