i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
