i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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