Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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