omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
