so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
