yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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