it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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