just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
