What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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