i was born a porn star she said
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
