Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
