Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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