Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
