I faked an abortion last night.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
