is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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