when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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