i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
