We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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