Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
