You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
he thought i was a dude.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
