...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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