Umm I'm too high to move.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
