i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
We left the knife in your bed.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
