They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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