she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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