Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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