sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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