My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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