and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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