I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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