She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
