My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I think people are normalizing furries
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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