Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
