I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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