whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
