I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
