New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
