She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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