I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
