Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
